I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
