I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
