I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
