My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
