I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
