I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
