"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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