Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
