just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
