Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
