I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
tell me about the fingering
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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