the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
