[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
