We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
