im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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