i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
