We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
