I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
