I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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