Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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