apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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