I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
