it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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