You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
