Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
