We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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