Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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