I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
