Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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