i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
