Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
