Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
