is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
