Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I still have a little drunk in my system
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
