Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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