Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
