I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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