i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Randomize
