The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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