Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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