so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
