I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
