how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
