Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
