Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
