Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I am one with the molecules
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
