I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
