I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize