they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize