...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
