bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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