Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
