i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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