I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
