you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
God, I missed his penis.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
