just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
