watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize