I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's rum buckets o'clock
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